This is what I do with myself

It is late June. It is 1am and I need to decide now whether I want to produce a shield or a broadsword. This decision is going to have a severe macroeconomic ripple effect throughout my economy – they take different types of inputs to produce and will not be completed for 24 hours, during which time my foundry will be locked up and unable to produce any other sorts of weaponry. Meanwhile, if I to choose the broadsword, which I badly need to bolster my feeble attack rating… Also why is it so poor? It’s ridiculous, somehow no matter what I’m doing I always find a way to do it with a distinct lack of conviction. To hand this one over to Ignatius, “I suspect that I am the result of particularly weak conception on the part of my father. His sperm was probably emitted in a rather offhand manner.”

Anyways I need to improve my offense, but I am also highly suspicious of my neighbors to the East. They have been encroaching on my ancestral lands lately, the baseborn curs, and a stout shield may be just the thing I need to weather the coming storm, especially considering I am low on companions lately, having lost several of them in a skirmish over an admittedly trite dispute with a local farmer who somehow had picked just that hour to start channeling fucking Aragorn (I rolled a 5 on the fight and needed a 10-100 to win. Classic).

Building the shield will severely deplete my supply of wood, which would take me almost an entire day to build back up and put a hold on making the significant improvements required to my fortifications. No one is impressed by my fortifications. I suspect the primary reason I face so few threats is because most of my potential enemies consider sacking my meagre holdfast to be a waste of time. Seriously though I’ve only been at this for a week, what do they expect? Jesus. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and shit. With some time and prodigious amounts of wood and stone I plan on one day ruling the sort of stout keep that would make any lord proud. It will make the Tower of London look like a fucking papier mache hut. One day. But hey, I also kind of need the sword, and further complicating this decision are the knock on effects of building a broadsword: due to some quirk its fabrication requires a significant outlay of fish, the loss of which would prevent me from purchasing various and sundry other products needed to heal my main character, and also provide circuses and traveling minstrels to keep my peasants entertained and working hard.

I also really want a dog. Medieval lords are supposed to have dogs and no one will respect me until I some sort of devoted companion nipping constantly at my heels. Preferably a direwolf, that would be fitting. Not necessarily fitting for me, a dog to suit my personality would be a bit more slothful and cuddly and kind of sad, like an adorable young pup whose breed is famous for its ears, except it somehow managed to lose them. Anyways in the context of the game a direwolf would fit right in and I want it and I’m tired of never getting what I want. Is that something I can get? Can the internet help? I don’t know. I’m probably supposed to get falcons at some point too but I can’t get too far ahead of myself, I’m only starting out just now, after all. But a boy can dream.

I decided to build the broadsword, because fuck it. I clicked on the broadsword icon and a pop-up screen appeared “Want to build it faster? Spend 20 gold coins to speed the process up!” That’s awesome! Only 20 coins! That’s great, where do I get those? I spent a few minutes rooting around the shop button and learned that 200 gold coins would only cost me $2. All I would have to do is spend the real money that I have in my real life bank account that I made doing real life shit at my real life job to get fake money put into my fake game bank account to spend on fake swords and trebuchets and dogs and shit. And look the exchange rate is awesome! What a great deal.

Wait a minute. Am I seriously considering using my real money to buy fake money in this fictional, boring and horribly contrived Game of Thrones online game? Is this a thing that is happening? I took a deep breath before continuing my train of thought. Back up a second Nathaniel, let’s think about this. It is 1am on a Wednesday night. I am sober and unemployed. I am lying in bed with my computer on my lap. The bare walls of my room are illuminated by a single uncovered light hanging from the center of the ceiling, the pictures that should be hanging therefrom lay gently on the floor – I had never bought hangers. The $200 air conditioner – did I get hosed? I have no idea what those are supposed to cost – is purring cold air into my lackluster space. All is silent. There is an emergency self-affirmation toy-button perched on my headboard. I pressed the button. “You are awesome!” the electronic voice said to me. I am awesome, I reminded myself. But what the fuck am I doing with my life?


About Poor The Leach

My vices far exceed my virtues, but I usually have good intentions. My aspirations are few, my self esteem usually low. A lot of strange things have happened to me.

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