Stop being a dick

I wrote this after people broke a lot of my shit senior year. I couldn’t think of a way to properly mass-distribute it so I just put it away in despair of ever catching my latest enemy.

This is not a matter of respect. It is hard to respect me, because I do not invite respect or ask for it. I don’t respect you, you don’t respect me, and we don’t have to meet in the middle because I don’t care. What this is about is not being an asshole.

Who goes to a party and brings a tree into someone’s house? Why is my bathroom completely fucked up? Can you not break my razor blades because you are a dick and drunk? It is not hard. I don’t break things all the time. It’s a conscious decision. Make that decision. Also why would you break them? Razor blades are expensive. TAKE THE RAZOR BLADES. Be a better criminal.

I can’t lock my door. The lock was kicked out. That happened Saturday night because someone sucks. You could have just walked into my room. My alcohol is out and my grades are above my desk, perhaps to remind me how bad I am at my major. Sit on my bed and read my thesis; drink with me, you’re invited. There’s no need to kick my door down, it’s never even locked in the first place.

This open door policy does not mean you can steal my shit. I woke up and my wallet and teddy bear were under a tree. My 2-liter bottle of green apple vodka is gone. I mix that with apple juice because I drink like a child. I can’t do that now because some kid took it. Why would you take it? I hope centaurs gang rape you. I had a bottle of American honey whiskey on my desk that was in open view that you should have stolen because it is amazing, but you’re an idiot and took the Smirnoff. BE A BETTER CRIMINAL.

So enjoy the vodka. I honestly hope that you die. If someone gave me a gun with 4 bullets and put me in a room with you, Ann Coulter, Hitler and Stalin I would shoot you four times and beat Coulter to death with their mustaches. This is not an “oh please return my shit,” thing. Drink it. It cost $20. I have cost myself far more buying the wrong flights and being drunk and getting roped into jewelry sales at Kmart. I could burn $20. Money is fictive.

Don’t return to my house. You are a thief and not invited. I understand that you were partying. That does not give you an excuse to be a cunt and break things. I don’t really consider what I do to be partying, but I certainly don’t break other people’s shit when I go out drinking. Say stupid things? Yes. Break my own things? Sadly on accident yes. Cost other people money in property damage? No. Because I am not an asshole.

Being alive is hard. You likely have enough on your plate without me hating you. I get back at people in oblique ways that are generally disproportionate to the wrongs I have suffered. Just ask my sister. In No Country for Old Men, Llewelyn Moss says [sic] ‘ever step you take is forever.’ You made that step. I will not forget.

About Poor The Leach

My vices far exceed my virtues, but I usually have good intentions. My aspirations are few, my self esteem usually low. A lot of strange things have happened to me.

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