In The Spirit of Giving
I’ll have 1% Camp Part Two Part Two up soon but in the spirit of my alma mater, where I should be in a day or so, ostensibly to watch the Varsity soccer team but really to drink away from my mom’s scathing judgment, I figured I’d throw this thing I wrote last semester up. I love food, and these are my favorite places to eat.
This is an article about food, which is strange because I don’t eat often. Since my dad told me to pay for food this semester instead of school, I’ve gone on the Starvation Meal plan, and I don’t eat because food is expensive and I would rather spend my sort of hard earned money on hard cider and jewelry. I don’t eat much, so when I do I have to make it count, which is why I will never be spotted at Baccios or some other pleb establishment unless I’m eating on someone else’s dime or too hopelessly hammered to remember that I have culinary principles. POST SCRIPT EDIT: Full disclosure: You know how freshman gain the freshman fifteen? By the end of senior year I had lost 15 pounds, my accidental anorexia a product of being too cheap to pay for food.
The first and most obvious place is Rossi’s, on South Clover Street. I doubt there is a better Italian deli in America. I can say that with a minimal knowledge of America, because it’s hard to imagine somewhere better. I would recommend the large Panini’s, which is food for the whole day: just eat half of it for lunch and the other half for dinner. Except it’s so good it’s hard to do that and I usually eat it all in about an hour and then take a nap. It’s one of those ‘oh no I don’t want the sandwich to be gone, I have to save some, but oh no if I don’t eat it all now Eli might (Eli is my housemate, he is not cool) eat it because he’s a douche, so I have to eat it all now,’ situations that people run into all the time.
Go to Rossi’s, fund their economy and be happy, because there are few things better than a good sandwich. Several female friend once asked me what it tasted like and I responded “fucking.” They were incredulous that I could put a sandwich on that lofty orgasmic pedestal, because apparently girls can’t think of things more appealing than sex. So just to make things clear, I would rather eat one of those paninis than have sex. It tastes about as good as sex feels but without any of the potential social repercussions. No sandwich has ever launched a thousand ships, for example, and no one has ever eaten a sandwich wondering if it actually liked them too.
Another place is Kavos, which makes gyros. In keeping with the general them of this article, they are really, really good. I don’t know much about gyros but my housemate Dante, who is sort of Greek in an American way, says that these are really good. Dante is much better than Eli. I don’t know much about Greek food but on their website Kavos says they produce a product exactly as it would be made in Greece today, and I trust them not to bullshit me on that. The food is fantastic, the guys who run the place are really cool, and if haven’t gone yet you have until your graduation to rectify this error.
I will now direct you to Janet’s Jerk Stop. I’m not quite sure where it is because Will always drives me (Will xxxxxxx, ’12, .1%), but like those other places it is near the train station. I will describe its delectability in a fashion roughly as tasteless as my own existence. I read (maybe in the da Vinci code, that bastion of truth) a blurb about some celibate religious sect, wherein sex was a sin because in the moment of ejaculation conception of God was totally driven from the mind. I’m skeptical of that, as when I ejaculate I’m usually thinking about the Protestant reformation, quoting Cormac Mccarthy in my head or trying to figure out how to apologize. Anyways, If that is a real thing that group would outlaw Janet’s. The food is so good I’m unable to think of anything besides how best to abase myself before Janet when eating. It is incredible. I ate the jerk chicken, went back to my house and was comatose on the couch watching Finding Bigfoot (fantastic show involving a human who is actually named Bobo) for three hours.
A lot of you have probably heard of those places, this was purely for the benefit of people who have not. Whatever Poughkeepsie might lack, it has plenty of good places to eat. For people without a way to get places, I eat out maybe 2 or 3 times a week (and go to the DC a lot, thanks to the 20ish people who let me in consistently) and I’d be fine taking you. Probably. I don’t have many friends for various reasons and could always use a new one, if you’re hungry I will take you.